The many nuances called 'feelings'

I am writing this blog from my bed, after 3,5 months of not having been able to leave my bedroom and at least 1,5 month of being fully bedridden and needing assistance with every aspect of daily life. I'm eternally grateful to have my mother sitting at my bedside on a lawn chair every day, things would all look very different if it wasn't for her, and to have my father working seven days a week, cooking dinner for us and running to a shop whenever we need him to. We are a very good team. 

I once again have doubted greatly wether or not to write this blog for various reasons. I have come to the conclusion that not elaborating on my feelings is an insult to those struggling mentally. Some people have turned to me and told me they could find a form of solace in my words. Even though we all fight different battles, there are often lots of similar aspects we face. 
I do not like to advise people and this is not a speech, it is simply an explanation to questions which do not have straightforward answers. 

I sometimes get asked wether I'm able to cope with the situation mentally. Most people assume I'm angry, sad, frustrated, lonely and all the things you can think of. But the thing is, none of this is true, which is the answer I provide people with. On the rare occasion somebody sees me, they are always surprised that I'm smiling and they assume that because I smile, I feel no pain, or even that I'm feeling good. Which is also not true. It's all much more complex and nuanced.
The main reason I write this, is because when some people reached out to me, shared their own struggle and told me how they respected my positivity, I recognized a danger in these words. When you're in a lot of pain and struggling to keep your head above the water, feeling like you're all alone can be a slippery slope. I would never unintentionally want to add to that feeling of profound loneliness. 

Right now I don't feel angry, lost, sad, drowning or any type of jealousy. As a matter of fact, I don't think I have ever been less jealous in my entire life. My smile is no mask, it doesn't cover up my pain, fears, doubts or questions. They simply all co-exist and if you look closely you can see them all simultaneously.
I'm lonely but I don't miss people. I miss dancing but it is the very last thing on my mind. I miss going out but I don't even want to think about doing so. They are all full of contradictions and they are contradictions hard to understand when you haven't been suffering on a high level for a long time. A short explanation would be; there are many things you can't do but there is simply no space left for even desiring them, which should never be mistaken for feeling depressed. I'm just very, very tired. Years of pain, insomnia and great fatigue does that to you in a way fortunately not that many people truly know the meaning of.  I'm content with what I have and I can laugh profoundly in the strangest of situations. My mom and I still have a lot of fun together and we always adapt to our new normal, whatever that may look like. 

It has not always been like this. During my last year of dancing and the year which followed I was angry, sad, jealous, ashamed and I had a very hard time to adapt. I was lonely, I missed people and the same room that feels so big and open right now, after having seen the same four walls for months, felt very small and confined back then. I felt lost, very, very lost. I have been surrounded by people who have been very good to me but also by ones who weren't good to me at all. I lost myself and it took a long time to reground myself again. I became incredibly insecure and to adapt to my new normal, a normal which was constantly deteriorating no matter what I tried, did not come easy to me. 
I worked myself through it; with the help of my mom (because without sharing everything it would definitely have been much more difficult) and 'simply' through feeling every aspect of it. By dealing with all the emotions and every stage of being ill without knowing the root cause of these problems. By saying goodbye to the things you know, the life you know and your capabilities, again and again. By facing all my weaknesses along the way.
I isolated myself from the people I knew and I did so because I needed to. I always retreat within myself to regain my balance. I prefer to fight internally until I have my things in order before I reach out to other people, it's what works best for me. This is also the reason why those parts of my fight will always remain hidden and greatly invisible. But just because I don't share much of it or have never shown any of it to (almost) anyone, doesn't mean I haven't gone through all of it. 

So I have had years to grow into this situation. This story started long ago, too long to go into details. I have had a lifetime of knowing something was wrong even though we couldn’t put our finger on it. I have been adapting for the past 4 years and continuously coming to terms with things. I have been living isolated for 3 years and have said goodbye to everything I love doing many times. It is unlike isolation people know from COVID due to different reasons; you can not read whenever you want or watch television, listen to music, call or chat with friends, go out for a walk whenever you choose to. You’re not in it together, you’re in it alone. You don’t even get to be bored; yes, I see boredom as a privilege, because for me moments of boredom mean improvement, it means having less pain and feeling well enough to be bored. You can not go on a trip or holiday to recover or get some fresh energy. I haven’t been well enough for any of those things and doing something makes me much sicker. That’s what being seriously ill can look like. 

I haven't become numb, I'm not pushing away negative feelings or pretending to cope better than I actually do. I have never been more honest in my life. 

However, the reason I can cope like this, is because I have passed all those mental stages before. I carry it well but only because I have grown the muscles to carry the weight gracefully and because I choose to. I choose to see the good in things. I never even pronounce the phrase 'I will try' because for me it starts at the very beginning; at your choice of thoughts followed by your choice of words. I never try, I always do. This doesn't mean you can always decide the outcome, unfortunately there are many attributing factors playing a role in whatever situation you look at. However I choose to control all the controllables and let go of that which is out of my hands, as worrying about these things has the power to drive you insane. 

I’m no fan of propagandizing positivity. Slogans like ‘good vibes only’ make my stomach turn.

Being optimistic contributes to health and is for sure very important in any healing journey. But sometimes not all is wonderful and you just need to work with and from that place.  

Forcing positivity is unhealthy and believing you need to be in order to be accepted can be toxic and drive people into isolation. I prefer to focus on honesty and realism. I also believe you sometimes need to simply pull yourself together, nothing but misery grows from self-pity, sulking in a corner doesn’t get you anywhere and things can always be worse. 

From dark places an optimism and resilience can arise which is very profound and deeply rooted. 

So in stead of telling everybody it is important to stay positive, why don’t we encourage people to be honest? And let them just be.