Change

I will write down a small update on my current situation. Lyme disease has been treated successfully. After 2,5 years of treatment it is under control. Ofcourse it fluctuates, but it fluctuates on a low level and I have learned what my body needs and what I need to do in order to keep it well. It's an ongoing process but I have learned the rules of the game.

My neck is a completely different situation. Once Borreliosis was treated it became clear which problems still remained, the ones it all started with in the first place. Except these problems kept gradually getting worse and due to a seemingly minor event during the summer, have reached an alarming phase. At this time without neck collar I can not swallow, see, control my eye movements, talk or breathe normally, walk in a straight line :p, get a very strong headache, high pressure in the head, in my ears, have neck pain and radiating pain down into my right arm. With neck collar I am quite a normal person, as long as I am not driving in a car, or having to walk as it creates too much movement. I am waiting for a surgery which for several reasons is a complicated journey. This is the part that is difficult to get into and where I am praying for a miracle. Luckily, I believe in miracles.

I have been pulled between extremes in the search for help and the right solution, made promises that then every time were taken away from me. Been called crazy where at the same time the doctors who were doing that didn't allow me to take off the collar nor look me in the eyes. Numerous things have happened and several times they broke me down completely. Which is something I am also grateful for. Because during that process, I have worked very hard to turn myself into the strongest version I have ever been.

I have always been insecure, believed that perhaps they were right, perhaps I should just listen to them and take off my collar, perhaps nothing was even wrong to begin with and it was all just me. At the same time there was a loud voice knowing that if I would give into that, I would probably not survive, because that much my body had taught me. And yet, I couldn't quiet the voice inside myself which doubted everything I experienced.

One of the reasons behind that, was because I had been experiencing it for so long. The thing about being in extreme situations for a long time, is that they become normal and everything that you usually would not accept, you start to adapt to. Something crucial to make it through and yet also something which you have to be very cautious of, because certain things should never become normal or be accepted. I wasn't even able to feel how sick I truly was, because I couldn't remember what it was like to not be in pain or to be healthy.

I might still not remember that at this moment in time, yet I believe in myself more then I ever have before, I know what is true and false, I know what is my intuition and what is my fear. I can see the difference, feel the difference more clearly then ever before.  I can disentangle my own voice from the voices of other people. I can feel my symptoms and acknowledge they exist, in stead of telling myself everything is not so bad to begin with. I don't pity myself, never have and never will. But I don't belittle them anymore, I acknowledge them and let them be.

My entire life I have had an incredible urge to never show any pain, to not let anybody see or know when I was in physical pain. When it came to emotions it would be very hard for me to show or share them and I would only do so with a handful of people. I wasn't good at setting boundaries, even less at respecting them on the rare occasion I did. I built incredibly high walls and they served their purpose. That discipline and ability to always go on, always adapt, always make the best out of every situation and never give up are qualities which are a great part of why I am still alive today. But they have served their purpose and now they were blocking me. So it was time to let them go, something that didn't come naturally. To show vulnerability, to show my symptoms, myself, or how sick my body actually is, is something that made my skin crawl. And yet, today, I can do it better then ever before and still feel like myself. 

I have learned that it is all about learning to ride the waves as they come. Knowing when to fight, when to speak up for yourself and when to shut your mouth. When to hold your head up high and your back straight or when to let down your guard and show your most vulnerable side. When to show how sick you truly are and when to make sure to hide it.

Knowing who to trust, who to listen to, who to confide in. Whose words you let enter into your mind and when you need to let them pass through you without absorbing them. When to walk away or when to confront. When to hold on and when to let go. When to chase and when to pray and surrender. When to wait and when to take action. Have patience and trust that when the time is right, it will happen, it will come to you. Not by being passive and simply waiting for things to magically appear. But by putting in the work, on all levels.
And when you are doing that, when you know you have done everything you could in that moment; to be able to surrender and wait, to trust that the next step will present itself to you, unfold when the time is right. Trust that you will not miss the train when it appears, to know that it will always be there on time. Believing that what is truly meant for you, when you put in all the work you possibly can and show up when you need to, can never miss you.

It's called having faith. Believing when nobody else believes, trusting when you can not see yet. Walking blindly but confidently. Confronting every single problem and emotion that rises to the surface, so you can solve them. Waiting and knowing that there is a purpose to the waiting. Because yes, I believe there is. I believe there is a purpose to everything. 

Some things hurt you to your deepest core, shake you up and put the fear of God into you, knowing that you have to face it all once again. Except you don't have to face it all again as the person you were the last time. You face it as the new version of you, the grown one, with different people in the plot, new opportunities. The fear is based on past experiences and it only lives in your mind. Because every time you go out, there is a new chance, a new possibility. It doesn't matter how many bad people and experiences you have come across, the good ones exist as well. You have to trust and believe that one day you will walk through that door with the right people behind it. Because yes, they are somewhere out there. Which means they can be found. As long as you never, ever give up. 

There is a light inside you which you can always nurture. Ultimately no one and nothing can take it away, it can be diminished but you can always put it back on fire. Because it's yours. It's yours to light, yours to carry and protect and yours to master. It's radiant and full of power.